Typical Roommate Conversations

A typical conversation between me and my roommate at 8:30 AM on a Wednesday morning. Note: Elaine has to be at work at 9 on Wednesdays.

Me: Good morning!

Elaine: dont want to wkae

Me: I know. I was preparing to bring a cat up and stick it in your bed.

Elaine: Uh I'm out of bed. I have been out of bed

(Translation: Please do not be weird and put a cat in my bed. I do not want to look from the waist down like I was attacked in a slasher film.)

On planning weddings

Me: So Kelli helped me plan my wedding. Want the details?

Elaine: Sure.

Me: I was thinking courthouse and then lasagna. Then maybe a walk in the park. And if things get really crazy, I might hold the groom's hand.

Elaine: Uh, god.

Me: That bad?

Elaine: Yes, you’re 26, not 66.

Me: Kelli didn't like the lasagna idea. I said I could compromise on that and settle for chicken parm.

Elaine: How did she plan it?

Me: She said the lasagna had to go and that she felt I should go crazy and hug the groom at some point.

Elaine: Kiss.

Me: Crap. I'd better really like this guy if there's going to be all that touching.




On potential Halloween costumes
Me: Earlier today I was thinking back to a costume I used to have. It was a Renaissance princess thing. It would have looked lovely on you. :)

Elaine: I am eating veggie tray. 70 cals per serving / 5 servings.

Me: It was just the right shade of deep purple. You’d carry off the whole thing really well. It’d be flattering, but not overly-sexualized like most costumes.

Elaine: I think the cals come from the “light ranch.”

Me: I don’t feel like I have your attention. Are you listening?

Elaine: I am trying to resist eating the whole tray.


On our cats wrestling through the house
Me: Sounds like a massive herd of buffalo stampeding through the house!

Elaine: I wondered what you were doing in your room.

Me: You did not seriously think that was me?

Elaine: I thought you were searching for stuff.

Me: Ha ha, no, the three kitties are chasing each other. If I heard those noises from your room, I'd assume something had fallen!

Elaine: Oh, ha!

Me: Your response—“Brittany's so loud!”
       My response—“Oh no! Is Elaine ok? Is she trapped under a bookcase?”

Elaine: …