Graduate School Axiom One: Selling Organs

I was sitting on the couch one day when Elaine came in and took a couple of Tylenol. “Make sure you’re taking the recommended amount of that,” I said absently.

“Why? Does it really matter?” she asked.

“Yeah, actually, it does. That stuff builds up in your tissues and can cause you to O.D.”

“Really?” When she’s surprised, Elaine’s eyes get huge. Her eyes were huge then. “How much would you have to take?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. Probably a lot. And probably over a period of time. But it happens.”

She looked really concerned, which made me wonder why she was asking all these questions.

“How much have you taken?” I asked, feeling a little uneasy.

“Just two, but I took some yesterday…what if I’ve been taking too many too often?”

I sensed she was going into panic-mode. That usually follows the big eyes.

“I’m sure you’re fine. You don’t take pain meds that often, do you?”

“I don’t handle pain well! I’m a total wimp! Of course I take pain meds often!”

“Look, I’m sure you’re fine. It would take A LOT for you to overdose. Besides, you’d probably have liver damage first.”

“Oh, that’s ok then,” she said, a big smile taking the place of her big eyes.

“Wait, wait,” I said. “You’re ok with liver damage?”

“Sure. I have two, so if one’s damaged, I’ve still got another one.”

I stared at her with that special look one reserves for moments when you’re not sure if someone is serious, or seriously misinformed. You’re wondering if they really think you’re stupid enough to believe what they’re claiming to believe—or if they actually believe whatever they’re saying.

“What?”

“You told me the other day that I’ve got two livers, right?”

“Nooo, I think I said two kidneys.”

“Oh. Really?”

“Yeah. You’ve got two kidneys, but only one liver.” I reflected for a moment.  “You’ve only got one liver, but if part of it is damaged, it can grow back. That’s pretty cool, huh?”

Elaine looked puzzled. “Will my kidneys grow back?”

Yes, she was serious. I could hear steam issuing from my old anatomy teacher’s ears.

“No, Elaine, kidneys don’t grow back. As far as I know, the liver is the only organ of the body that grows back besides skin. Interestingly, you can live with only part of a liver or only one kidney.”

“Really? I only need one kidney, but I have two?”

“Yeah,” I said. “It’s like you have a built-in spare.”

Suddenly an impish impulse stole over me. “Have you figured out how you’re going to pay back your student loans?”

“No. Why?”

“Well, lots of people need kidney transplants. Maybe you could sell one of yours on the black market.”

Elaine laughed. “Are kidneys worth much?”

“Probably depends on the condition they’re in. I mean, a healthy, young kidney has got to be worth a lot more than one that’s old or been used a lot.”

“But what if I sell one kidney, then something happens to the other one?”

“Ah, good point.” I thought for a moment. “In that case, selling part of your liver would be the way to go. Less risk to yourself because it would just grown back—at which point you could sell another piece.”

“Wait, does drinking affect the kidneys or the liver?” Elaine asked.

“Both, I think, but the liver more. It has to process the alcohol or something.”

“Damn.  That means I won’t make much of a profit from my liver. I bet I drink too much.”

“Plus you’re overdosing on Tylenol. You probably couldn’t give your organs away,” I replied.

Graduate School Axiom One: Selling organs is not a viable way to pay off students loans—especially if you damage said organs before the transaction is complete.